I Am Me, That Is
It turns out that, in some certain cases, fighting to maintain stability and homeostasis causes or continues instability. By fighting for peace, we assume instability. And perhaps stability has been there all along, and our attempts at stability are in fact the very nature of instability. That can be okay, however, because sometimes you have to take a step back in order to leap forward. Sometimes.
It seems like there are so many little rules to life, and I just cannot quite figure them all out. I have learned many things, and yet there are still more years to go, to learn, to die over and over and live over and over and suffer and pray and love and hate and say I'm sorry too many times until the only thing that keeps you alive is a question that cannot be answered and a question that will never be figured out because it is too entrenched in us, such that we cannot see it: Our selves.
I know that I have lost myself many times, and I know that there is a person in me that is me, yet I cannot see myself in this dirty mirror I accept as reality. I choose this degree of self awareness because I believe it is a healthy balance between the struggle and practice and insurmountable beauty of mindfulness, the being of what is and realizing your realizations infinitely until there is only present self acceptance. Between that struggle and the drifting of what I am, who I am, aware of that and knowing and feeling like I can see myself clearly, not living an example of something; there are no examples or templates in existence and presence because any example is no longer seen as a example and templates are simply a set of things or behaviors - there is no acting. It is an authentic place, and accepting what seem like simple feelings that we would otherwise shrug off, open the gateway to all that our ignorance hides, and we feel something, if only that it is new, is beautiful.
We learn beauty in mindfulness. Beauty is completely authentic. It is in the image it was born and made to be, and it does not run from itself. It does not scratch away what is does not like, nor does it engage or encourage them; instead, it accepts them, radically and completely. And from there understanding can be born, through compassion, compassionate understanding, what fills you with comfort and love at the sight of someone who is ill, if only to give to them that comfort and love. It does not fill you with guilt - that dull ache, and wondering why you 'feel bad' - and it is not the kind of comfort in which someone receives pleasure because another person is suffering. But rather it is comfort because we want to share that comfort, we do not want to share pain. So, sadism and love are similar in that they bring satisfaction, but the before and after of how we consider and interact with someone is vastly different.